Now the Festival of Breadcrumbs, called Flyover, was approaching, and the important-seeming crows were looking for a way to cook Crow Jesus’s goose, for they were afraid of the murder of crows. Then Crow Satan entered Crow Judas, called Iscawiot, one of the Twelve. And Crow Judas went to the important-seeming crows, and he cooed about how to betray Crow Jesus. They cawed back that they’ll give him lots of shiny objects: aluminum foil, quarters, and the like. He consented, and flew to Crow Jesus, intending to lure him into a trap.
Then came the day of Breadcrumbs on which the Flyover breadcrumbs were pecked. Crow Jesus landed near Crow Peter and Crow John, cawing “Fly and collect a feast for Flyover.”
“Where will we eat?” they clicked.
He cawed, “As you fly to the telephone pole, look for a crow resting near a pair of sneakers. Follow them on to the roof of the house they fly to, and caw to the crows there, “Crow Jesus and His Murder want to know where they can peck crumbs for Flyover.” They will offer you the large oak tree in the cemetery. Make preparations there.
They flew away, and saw that it was just as Crow Jesus cawed. So they prepared the Flyover.
When the hour came, Crow Jesus and His Murder rested on the oak’s large twisted branches. And he cooed to them, “I wanted to peck crumbs with each of you before my goose is cooked. For I caw to you I will not peck again until I fly into the kingdom of Cawd.”
After eating a French fry, he gave thanks and cawed, “Here, this is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”
In the same way, Crow Jesus flew to a Slushee cup, cawing, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the claw of him who is going to betray me is with mine on this tree. The Fledgling of Murder will go as it has been decreed. But woe to the crow who betrays him!” They began to caw among themselves which of them it might be who would do this.
They also argued about who was the greatest in the Murder. Crow Jesus cawed to them, “The birds twitter about this again, calling themselves great. Don’t be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the hatchling, and those who rule the roost should be like those who serve. For who is greater, the one who sits in the tree or the one who serves it? I am among you as one who serves. And you are those that have flown beside me in my trials. For this, I give you a kingdom, just as Cawd conferred one on me, so that you may eat and drink at my tree of life in the kingdom of Cawd, judging the twelve flocks of Crow Israel.
“Crow Simon! Crow Satan wanted to claw you as if you were gravel. But I’ve prayed for you, Crow Simon, that your faith will not fail. And when you fly back, you will strengthen the Murder.”
But he cawed, “Crow Jesus, I am ready to go with you to prison and death.”
Crow Jesus cawed, “Crow Peter, before the cars start to honk today, you will deny three times that you know me.”
Then Crow Jesus asked them, “When I sent you without anything but your feathers, did you lack anything?”
“Nothing,” they cawed back.
He cooed to them, “You see? So it is sung: ‘And he will be with the transgressors’. Yes, they sing about me.”
The murder cawed, “See, Crow Jesus, here are our feathers.”
“That’s enough!” he cawed in reply.
Crow Jesus flew out, as usual, to the mound of garbage near the Olive Garden, and the Murder flew with him. On reaching it, he cooed to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” Crow Jesus ruffled his feathers and prayed, “Cawd, if you are willing, take this Slushee cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” A crow angel from heaven then appeared and strengthened him. And, for his goose was about to be cooked, he prayed more earnestly, and small feathers fell to the ground, as if they were drops of blood.
When he rose from prayer and went back to the Murder, he found them exhausted with sleep. “Why are you sleeping?” he cawed at them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation!”
While he was still cawing, others landed on nearby cars, on lamp and fence posts, and Crow Judas, one of the Twelve, was leading them. He flew to Crow Jesus to touch his beak, but Crow Jesus cawed to him, “Crow Judas, are you betraying the Fledgling of Murder with your beak?”
When Crow Jesus’s murder saw what was going to happen, they cawed, “Crow Jesus, should we attack with our claws?” And one of them clawed an important-looking crow, and he lost several feathers.
But Crow Jesus cawed, “No more of this!” And he pecked the crow’s injured wing and the feathers returned.
Then Crow Jesus cawed to all the crows at the Olive Garden, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have sharpened your claws to fight? Every day I was with you near garbage bins, and you did not lay a wing on me. But this is your hour — when darkness reigns.”
Then seizing Crow Jesus, they flew him away and took him into the nest of an important crow. Crow Peter followed at a distance, and landed in a nearby tree with other crows. A female fledgling saw Crow Peter and said, “This crow was with Crow Jesus.”
But he denied it, cawing “I don’t know him.”
A little later, another crow saw him and cawed, “You are one of them.”
“Crow, I am not!” Crow Peter cawed.
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To read the rest of this review — and more by Steve Schmolaris — visit his website Bad Gardening Advice.
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Steve Schmolaris is the founder of the Schmolaris Prize, “the most prestigious prize in all of Manitoba,” which he first awarded in 1977. Each year, he awards the prize to the best album of the year. He does not have a profession but, having come from money (his father, “the Millionaire of East Schmelkirk,” left him his fortune when he died in 1977), Steve is a patron of the arts. Inspired by the exquisite detail of a holotype, the collective intelligence of slime mold, the natural world and the suffering inherent within it — and also music (fuck, he loves music!) — Steve has long been writing reviews of Winnipeg artists’ songs and albums at his website Bad Gardening Advice, leading to the publication of a book of the same name.
