Lists? Ask anyone who knows me – like, really knows me – and they’ll say I love them. Which is true, I do love lists. Their simple elegance. Their no-nonsense succinctness. Dense with information, packed with recommendations. It’s one of the reasons I love watching awards shows. It’s one of the reasons I eagerly await the release of The Millions’ Most Anticipated Books. Hell, it’s one of the reasons I created The Schmolaris Prize in the first place, way back in 1977.
So, yes, I love lists. And, here, for you, is a list of fan favourites: Those Bad Gardening Advice reviews that tickled, tweaked, and triumphed over the mundanity of the others. True, there is still a bit of 2024 left – days in which a riotous review may be penned – but, let’s be honest, how can I top what follows? For what follows isn’t necessarily a list of Winnipeg’s best music – it’s a list of brilliant pieces of writing (and I know my limitations, especially over the holidays).
So, without any further delay, and in no particular order, the following are the reviews that you – and I mean you, Bad Gardeners – enjoyed the most in anno domini 2024.
Tonko | Damned Wasps! (June to December)
In which P****** Press publishes a novel about why there’s so many damned wasps in Winnipeg. Four and a half wasps out of five.
Age of Self | They Buy Houses, Don’t They? (May 8)
In which I pretend to be Allen Ginsberg and recreate Howl. I forget why.
Moonriivr | Live at Darling Bar (March 30)
In which I relate the story Banana Flies at God’s Diner.
Gimli Alternative Folk Festival (Aug. 5)
In which I relate the story about the man who liked to throw rats into fans.
Leaf Rapids | Velvet Paintings (July 5)
In which I stalk Leaf Rapids in northern Manitoba.
Big Dave McLean | This Old Life (May 31)
In which I relate how Dave McLean stole my wife.
Odd Outfit | The Answer (Jan. 22)
In which I discuss the cons of child genital mutilation.
Screaming at Traffic | If You Play These Songs at a Party You’ll Bum Everyone Out (May 20)
In which I use the scientific method to discern the veracity of the album’s titular claim.
Stiff Wiggle | Winter of Wiggle (May 21)
In which I pretend to be Richard III, Duke of Gloucester.
Ritchot Textiles | i (Oct. 19)
In which Ungod in the Arboretum is recited.
Patrick Michalishyn | Cottage Cheese Tide Strudel (May 28)
In which I recite the story Patrick and the Dubious Delicacy.
Winnipeg New Music Festival | Rites and Passages (Jan. 28)
In which I confront my patronagial nemesis, Michael Nesbitt.
Cold | Nothing Short of a Fucking Calamity (Jan. 17)
In which Cold confronts me at my second residence at 1063 Wellington Ave.
Interview With a Sandhog (Aug. 17)
In which guest columnist Micah Erenberg interviews the enigmatic Famous Sandhogs.
The Sun Dog Ensemble | Live at Johnson Hall (Aug. 4)
In which I discuss the theory and rules and history of Fris-Nok.
Dust Rhinos | Dust Rhinos (May 18)
In which I get plastered and try to make out with Dust Rhinos.
Dreejur | Forgetfulness in the Food Chain (April 4)
In which I expose the conspiracy behind Manitoba’s Menno-musical-industrial complex.
Scott Nolan | Before Tonight (Jan. 12)
In which I reminisce about living in Toronto in the ’60s.
Slowmobile | Red Room (April 22)
In which I get attacked by a man with a machete.
French Class | Five (Sept., 21)
In which I extoll the virtues of appropriation.
A.W. Glen’s Bukowski’s Broken Family Band book release & Charlie Redstar (Nov. 15)
In which I relate a ghost story told to me by Pere Schmolaris.
Muted Calico | Something Tragic! (Sept. 25)
In which I try to convince others that necrophilia is a victimless crime.
The 47th annual Schmolaris Prize Gala (Sept. 17)
In which Sam Singer is awarded the Schmolaris Prize for his outstanding album Where the Rivers Do.
Rainbow Trout Music Festival (Aug. 19)
In which Shirley Hamelin, in the form a cougar, is finally defeated by the Smoky Tiger once and for all.
And, of course, OP-ED | Prison Break (Oct. 7)
In which I take umbrage with characterizing the Oct. 7 attacks as something to be celebrated, as a heroic act of resistance against colonialization, as a “breaking out of the open-air prison,” the use of paraglider and Hamas-like flag imagery — and do so in a nuanced, sensitive way that invited equally nuanced, respectful discussion in response.
See you all on the other side of 2025!
• • •
Steve Schmolaris is the founder of the Schmolaris Prize, “the most prestigious prize in all of Manitoba,” which he first awarded in 1977. Each year, he awards the prize to the best album of the year. He does not have a profession but, having come from money (his father, “the Millionaire of East Schmelkirk,” left him his fortune when he died in 1977), Steve is a patron of the arts. Inspired by the exquisite detail of a holotype, the collective intelligence of slime mold, the natural world and the suffering inherent within it — and also music (fuck, he loves music!) — Steve has long been writing reviews of Winnipeg artists’ songs and albums at his website Bad Gardening Advice, leading to the publication of a book of the same name.
