I see they finally handed out the Juno Awards online on Monday night. I didn’t watch. Party because I generally don’t care about award shows — especially the Junos, which have several sales-based prizes. And partly because the whole thing seems like a giant example of doing too little too late. But mostly because I already predicted the winners back in January when the nominations were announced. And here’s the truly hilarious bit: Of the categories I actually took a stab at, I got about half right. You can read the whole post HERE, or just scroll down to revisit my spot-on predictions, which were based on a minimum of research, a bunch of vague whims and whatever snarky thought happened to pop into my head. And if that doesn’t tell you how pointless the Juno Awards are, well, all I can say is … the envelope, please!
FAN CHOICE
Alessia Cara
Ali Gatie
Avril Lavigne
bbno$
Justin Bieber
Loud Luxury
NAV
Shawn Mendes
The Weeknd
Tory Lanez
AND THE WINNER IS: Avril Lavigne — for the second year in a row! No, seriously; she beat out most of these people in 2019. It made no sense then, either. So a repeat makes just as much sense now. Then again, Alessia Cara is hosting. And Justin Bieber could sneak in the back door (so to speak) if his upcoming album is any good. Well, OK, not good. We know it won’t be good. But kids are stupid and have no taste. So really, you never know.
SINGLE OF THE YEAR
Out Of Love | Alessia Cara
Sweet Little Lies | bülow
La Di Da | Lennon Stella
Hang Ups | Scott Helman
Señorita | Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
AND THE WINNER IS: Whichever one sold the most copies or got the most online streams or something — I assume this is one of the many categories decided by sales figures. If I had to guess, I’d go with Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello, though I am extremely proud to say I don’t think I’ve heard any of these songs and do not intend to.
INTERNATIONAL ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Thank U, Next | Ariana Grande
WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? | Billie Eilish
No.6 Collaborations Project | Ed Sheeran
Free Spirit | Khalid
Hollywood’s Bleeding | Post Malone
AND THE WINNER IS: Whichever artist is willing to visit Saskatoon in March! Or send their brother Finneas!
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
The Pains Of Growing | Alessia Cara
INSCAPE | Alexandra Stréliski
Shine A Light | Bryan Adams
love | Michael Bublé
Bad Habits | NAV
AND THE WINNER IS: Somebody whose first or last name begins with the letter A or B! More specifically, Alessia Cara or Bryan Adams — though it is nice to see Michael Buble getting out of the house again. As for Alexandra Stréliski, I’m sure she’s as bewildered as everybody else by her inclusion.
SONGWRITER OF THE YEAR
Alessia Cara
bülow
Patrick Watson
Tenille Townes
Tim Baker
AND THE WINNER IS: Well, you’d like to see it go to Patrick Watson or Hey Rosetta’s Tim Baker, but I think we all know which teen queen in a cheap suit is going to win this.
INSTRUMENTAL ALBUM OF THE YEAR
INSCAPE | Alexandra Stréliski
The Silent Wish | Bill McBirnie with Bernie Senensky
Calm and Cents | Kevin Hearn
SymphRONica UpfRONt | Ron Davis’ SymphRONica
Toothsayer | Tanya Tagaq
AND THE WINNER IS: I presume this is where Alexandra Stréliski might triumph. And just curious: Why is Tanya Tagaq in this category? Isn’t she technically a vocalist? Are we calling a throat a musical instrument now? Is up down? Are dogs cats? Does nothing make sense in the Junos any more?
CONTEMPORARY ROOTS ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Coyote | Catherine MacLellan
Easy Keeper | Del Barber
Little Bones | Irish Mythen
Passages | Justin Rutledge
Mohawk | Lee Harvey Osmond
AND THE WINNER IS: Lee Harvey Osmond has my vote. But we all know what that’s worth.
ADULT CONTEMPORARY ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Shine A Light | Bryan Adams
Unplugged Vol. 1 | Lauren Spencer-Smith
Both Sides | Marc Jordan
Melt | Nuela Charles
Empower | Renée Lamoureux
AND THE WINNER IS: If Bryan Adams can’t win this, what can he win?
