By great Santa’s snow-white beard! Sound the trumpets, unfurl the banners and let the word go forth — the historic event that humanity has long awaited has finally arrived! The mighty Thor has ventured forth from his ancestral home to celebrate Christmas the only way he can and must: By bombastically bellowing his way through a slate of hard-hammering holiday rockers that put the blitz in Blitzen, take you on a slay ride and give the little drummer boy a thundering solo. And naturally, since the pathetic wimpery of your traditional carols cannot possibly stand up to the brutal intensity of his holiday cheer, our blue-eyed, blonde-tressed and awesomely musclebound hero has taken it upon himself to forge and present Christmas in Valhalla, featuring original Yuletide compositions of such timeless power-chord majesty and stirring beauty that they will surely be lovingly sung by worshipful children down through the ages, until the very heavens themselves are reduced to bitter ash by the all-consuming flame of destiny and blown asunder by the winds of time. So, puny human, if you dare, fill a flagon with your favourite variety of mead, invoke the gods to push your preferred listening device to its maximum capacity, lend Thor and his metal minions your shell-like ears and prepare to bang your sadly fragile head until the immortal ghosts of Christmas are summarily vanquished once again. Or until dad makes you turn that crap down so your cousins can play in the rec room until dinner is ready.
