In my second year of college, my brother and I shared one unit in a Belleville, Ont., triplex. One of our favourite things to do was watch American variety show re-runs from the 1970s.
Like most white North Americans, I was raised on this stuff — for me it was mostly The Muppet Show. But for those who missed out on them, the variety shows of old were programs crafted for families to watch together.
The idea was that there would be something in it for everyone — musicians of different genres, comedians, skits, jugglers and acrobats, dancers and animal acts. It was fairly common to feature famous musicians or singers not only performing their hit song, but sometimes additional material which was well outside their comfort zone, usually to gently poke fun at the guest star.
There are loads of examples: Elvis Presley being made to sing Hound Dog to a Basset hound on The Steve Allen Show in 1956, or The Beatles singing Doris Day’s Moonlight Bay on The Morecambe & Wise Show in 1963.
Something for everyone, right? Mom and Dad get their barbershop quartet, and the kids get their mop tops. The thing is, though, this isn’t just a recipe for “variety” — it’s also a recipe for dispatches from the bizarro world: Musical collisions which are hilariously ill-advised, or simple take “from a different time” to a new level. Mostly, it’s white people being ridiculous.
Variety shows have their roots in American vaudeville and British music hall. They were among the very first programs offered at the dawn of the television era. The golden age of the North American variety show was from the end of the Second World War to the sunset of the 1970s. It seems like practically every entertainer you can name had their own variety show for a bit. Sometimes they were regularly scheduled programs and sometimes they were seasonal specials. In Canada we loved The Tommy Hunter Show, but we also tuned in to Wolfman Jack’s Saturday Night Special, The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, The Ed Sullivan Show, The Lawrence Welk Show, The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, The Hudson Brothers’ Razzle Dazzle Show, The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, Hee Haw, and a seemingly endless stream of short-run or one-off variety shows hosted by the likes of Mac Davis, Donny & Marie Osmond and even The Starland Vocal Band. Finally, there were considerably more nutty concepts — variety shows hosted by the cast of popular TV programs and movies, like the Simpsons-spoofed Brady Bunch Variety Hour and the legendary, baffling Star Wars Holiday Special.
So what I thought I’d do is a roundup of some of my all-time favourite variety show cringe performances. We’re talking “What on Earth were they thinking?” stuff. Let’s start with the clip which admittedly inspired this column, an appearance by the flamboyant pianist Liberace on the March 5, 1968 airing of The Red Skelton Show. Lee, joined by “The Young Folks Singing Aggregation,” performs a cover of Simon & Garfunkel’s 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy). Seemingly, this was an attempt to connect, if not cash-in, on the hippie youth movement. It leaves you feeling something — but definitely not groovy.
Nobody can say Liberace wasn’t a convincing showman. This may not have fooled actual hippies, but they probably wouldn’t have turned it off, either. The same can not be said for aging crooner Peter Lawford’s take on Age Of Aquarius, which he did on ABC’s Hollywood Palace in 1969. He spends most of the song sitting in a big rattan chair next to a hookah, before getting up and cutting a rug with the dancers. That cravat doesn’t leave much to the imagination, Peter — neither does the weird stroking going on after he sits his ass back down to catch his breath.
The only thing worse is when fading stars seem slightly pissed off at being made to cover current hits in an effort to stay relevant. This sentiment seems to be written all over Jerry Lewis’s face as he performs The Beatles’ Help! with his son Gary on NBC’s Hullabaloo in 1965.
In 1978, when Mary Tyler Moore’s sitcom ended, CBS tried to transition her to being a variety show host to fill the void left by The Carol Burnett Show. The show they came up with was called Mary, and it was the scene of one of the most notorious cringe-laden performances in television history. Moore was joined by a group of before-they-were-famous stars to perform a cover of Wings’ current hit, With A Little Luck. The problem is, this is not a song for Mary, who — dressed in a red jumpsuit — is joined by singing and dancing sensations like David Letterman and Michael Keaton. This was the grand finale of the show’s very first episode.
Speaking of Letterman, anyone who was a fan of his NBC show Late Night, is probably familiar with favourite guest Jeff Altman. Well, Altman was co-host of one of the worst and problematic variety shows ever aired — Pink Lady & Jeff. It was cancelled after five weeks in the spring of 1980. The series featured musical performances interspersed with skits, and starred Japanese singing duo Pink Lady (Mie and Kei), along with comedian Altman.
What we have here is a feast of stereotypical, sexist, racist, bad-translation gags based on the fact that Pink Lady spoke no English.
We’re not done with Letterman just yet. One year before his silly football scrimmage disco romp with Mary, the former weatherman turned standup comic appeared as a news reporter for the opening skit in the very first episode of The Starland Vocal Band Show, which tormented America for six weeks in the summer of 1977. The one-hit wonder singing group probably performed Afternoon Delight on every show. Letterman, by the way, was fully aware of his chronic variety condition — so, in 1985 he actually did a sendup of these types of shows with his Dave Letterman’s Summertime Sunshine Happy Hour special.
The Jackson 5 did a 12-episode variety show in 1976-’77 called The Jacksons. The performers included all members of the group except Jermaine — augmented by other family members like Rebbie, LaToya, Janet and Randy. And oh yeah; Letterman also appeared in a few of the episodes. I’m not joking. There was a pretty crazy cross-section of special guests, ranging from Lynda “Wonder Woman” Carter (who sang an original song) to Dom DeLouise and Muhammad Ali. Sadly, Henry Winkler didn’t appear when the Jacksons performed Do The Fonz in 1976, capitalizing on the popularity of Happy Days. Might have had something to do with The Jacksons being on CBS and Happy Days being on ABC.
@mjjacksonthekingofpop ✨The Jacksons performing “Do The Fonz” in 1976✨ #thejacksonfamily #michaeljackson #moonwalkers #thejacksonfive #fyp #mj
If Liberace was trying to connect with ’60s hippies, I guess the cast of The Brandy Bunch were trying to connect with the nightclub set when they performed an iconic disco medley during the eighth episode of their nine-episode run of specials between November 1976 and May 1977. This abomination happened on April 8, 1977 and even features DJ Rick Dees doing his hit Disco Duck. For context, The Brady Bunch sitcom had been off the air since 1974. The entire cast came together to do this, except Eve Plumb (Jan) who was replaced with Geri Reischl, commonly referred to as “Fake Jan.” Plumb was busy portraying a teenage sex worker in the made-for-TV movie, Dawn: Portrait Of A Teenage Runaway, guest starring on The Love Boat and Fantasy Island, and starring as Beth in NBC’s Little Women mini-series. She did return to her most famous role for the Brady Bunch reunion in 1981. Reischl’s star would never rise higher than it did during the run of variety specials. In fact, in 2011 she put out an album called Fake Jan Sings For Real — featuring a re-recording of her cover of Your Song, which she originally did on Episode 2 in January 1977. If anyone ever asks you why punk happened, just show them this:
Sticking with the glorious late ’70s, we’ll jump ahead to the 1978 festive season and the cash-in of all cash-ins — the Star Wars Holiday Special. One year after the blockbuster film, CBS managed to convince the cast (minus Kenny Baker, who plays R2-D2) to do a made-for-TV movie that was supposed to take place between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, which wouldn’t arrive in theatres for another two years.
Believe it or not, the Nov. 17, 1978 special marks the first appearance of bounty hunter Boba Fett — in an animated sequence by Canadian company Nelvana. Rather than having Baker portray his beloved droid, it was operated by remote control by George Lucas’s receptionist. The Star Wars creator and director had practically no role in the special, apart from the idea of doing a Star Wars storyline focusing exclusively on Wookiees. Indeed, the plot of the special is based on the Imperial entanglements Han Solo and Chewbacca run into on their way back to Chewie’s home for Life Day.
There are a series of musical numbers, celebrity cameos and other variety-show acts which divide the special into segments. There’s a video by Jefferson Starship, and songs by Diahann Carroll, Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, plus acrobats and juggling. The special was universally panned, so it was never rebroadcast or released on home video. There are plenty of full-length cuts of it on YouTube, however.
In 1971, septuagenarian vaudeville performer Dora Hall starred in her own variety special called Once Upon A Tour. The plot: A granny (Hall) saves her money and goes on a TV studio tour, where she meets and performs with a handful of celebrities (as one does). These stars are not exactly A-listers. Among them are Ottawa’s own Rich Little, Frank Sinatra Jr., Rosey Grier, Ben Blue and members of The Electric Prunes — who had basically broken up a year earlier. Believe it or not, there was even an album featuring music from the special. It will set you back a whole $1.
Bothering people with tacky variety shows during prime time is one thing, but The Harlem Globetrotters came at you on Saturday mornings. The Harlem Globetrotters Popcorn Machine aired in 1974 and 1975 featuring the players singing, dancing and doing skits. This came hot on the heels of their popular Saturday morning cartoon, and a full seven years before they appeared on the confounding 1981 Gilligan’s Island reunion special. Why did they do it? Because they loved to teach.
The multi-talented American Bobby Vinton had his own variety show — but it was done in Canada for CTV. The Bobby Vinton Show was actually on for three years and often featured sketch comedy actor Billy Van of Hilarious House of Frightenstein, The Party Game, and Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour. It was fairly common for these varioety shows to be done in Canada to save money. Such was also the case with Rollin’ On The River, which was hosted by Kenny Rogers & The First Edition (and also featured appearances by Van). Vinton always wrapped the show by performing his 1974 hit My Melody of Love. Dig this version with Loretta Swit, aka Hot Lips Houlihan from TV’s M*A*S*H.
Sweet Jesus, here’s a rough one. Somewhere in the wilderness between The Andy Griffith Show and The Apple Dumpling Gang, NBC decided it was a super idea to give Don Knotts his own variety show. I found an episode from 1972 — seven years before he joined Three’s Company — featuring Don in a tuxedo and rural mailman sideburns, singing to his daughter Karen, who looks like she’s just escaped a cult.
Sweeping ahead to 1978 / ’79, we find another variety show aimed at kids. This one confounds me. It’s the Krofft Superstar Hour, which was re-named The Bay City Rollers Show after just eight episodes. OK — let’s step back. The Krofft Superstar Hour was a followup to the popular Krofft Supershow, which ran on ABC from 1976-1978. It was broken up into segments, similar to Hilarious House of Frightenstein or Looney Tunes. There were sub-shows like Dr. Shrinker, Superbug, Magic Mongo, Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, and the manufactured band Kaptain Kool & The Kongs. Anyway, after eight episodes, Kaptain Kool & The Kongs were replaced with the real Bay City Rollers. The Scottish pop/bubblegum glam group were in a death spiral by that point. Here they are — introduced by a puberty-riddled Scott Baio — singing a song to children about paying for sex.
Many variety programs were created to be used as summer replacements for regularly scheduled programs. But, what do you use as a summer replacement for a regularly scheduled variety show? The answer is The Hudson Brothers — the least idolized teen idols of all time. They stepped in to replace Sonny & Cher in the summer of ’74. I wouldn’t accept a ride from these dudes under any circumstances, but I do like that Ricky bass.
There were so many of these shows because people just loved this shit. In a time when you had your pick of Mannix, Gunsmoke, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Hawaii 5-0, Bonanza, Laugh-In and The Mod Squad — viewers instead chose variety program The Flip Wilson Show ahead of all of them. The only show with better ratings in 1971-’72 was All In The Family.
I thought I’d wrap with a variety show musical crossover which didn’t suck — that time Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young were convinced to come on This Is Tom Jones, in September 1969. Not only did the group agree to appear, but they even performed with the Welsh crooner, coming together to do an utterly incredible version of David Crosby’s Long Time Gone. Bear in mind, Neil Young basically quit Buffalo Springfield a few years earlier because he didn’t want to go on The Tonight Show. Clearly, Jones was a fan.
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Area Resident is an Ottawa-based journalist, recording artist, music collector and re-seller. Hear (and buy) his music on Bandcamp, email him HERE, follow him on Instagram and check him out on Discogs.
