I am of that age when I can find an example from the first 10 seasons of The Simpsons to relate to almost any event, occurrence or conversation.
In this case it’s the episode where Homer deliberately puts on enough weight to become technically obese, allowing him to work from home. The Springfield nuclear plant sets him up with an easy-to-use safety officer computer system and he gets to work. One of the first tasks the system queries him on is if he would like to “vent radioactive gas.” Homer isn’t sure, so the system helpfully tells him “venting prevents explosion.”
It’s sound advice, especially if your co-workers are not working remotely. You should always vent, and I’m about to give you a musical way to do so.
I went hunting online for the top complaints people have about their co-workers. The goal here is to find one that resonates with you, the person reading this. I’ve narrowed it down to four categories, and for each of these complaints, I have fashioned a playlist for the office Bluetooth speaker.
The idea is, when it’s your turn to pick the music, simply select one of my ready-made problem-specific playlists so you can say all the things you’d like to say — without having to actually do so. Confrontation-free venting. And, as we know, “venting prevents explosion.”
Here are the four complaints:
1 | Stinkers
These are the co-workers who wear too much fragrance, or any fragrance at all in what is supposed to be a fragrance-free space. You know — cologne, body spray, perfume, or even a wafting diffuser. But these are also possibly the co-workers who wear or use any of that stuff, but don’t bathe or wear deodorant, either. People with BO and/or bad breath. Finally, because this section is called Stinkers, I’ll include those awful bastards who have smelly lunches. You know, the fish-leftover microwave people.
2 | Blah-blah-fricking-blah
These are the co-workers who never shut up. Ever. They’re chatty but talk mostly about themselves and their personal lives — sometimes on the phone, and almost always LOUD.
3 | Lunch-lifters
Co-workers who steal your lunch, or your snacks. Or use up the fridge milk/cream but never bring any in themselves. Takers. Pilferers. Bandits.
4 | Suckholes
Nobody likes a keener. These co-workers make a big deal of what time they came in, how late they stayed and never miss an opportunity to tell the boss how great they are. They put a tug-of-war effort into a tie-your-shoes task. These disgusting pukes are overly enthusiastic about everything, from haircuts to team-building activities — and probably wear all green on St. Patrick’s Day.
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Area Resident is an Ottawa-based journalist, recording artist, music collector and re-seller. Hear (and buy) his music on Bandcamp, email him HERE, follow him on Instagram and check him out on Discogs.
