“If I could, I would live forever.”
“So when everything turns into The Road and we start eating one another, you’re going to try to stay alive.”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Not me. I’d sooner kill myself than get off this couch.”
“I just think it’d be interesting. I mean, of course we’re all going to die. Plus, I like being outdoors.”
“Half of us would freeze the first winter.”
“And half of us won’t. I think we could survive for a while — five years, or so.”
“You’re on your own then.”
“In that case, I think I’d last about 10 years. Give or take.”
“Give or take what?”
“Ten, I guess.”
“Yeah, well, you’re a guy. The end of the world will be horrible for women. I’d rather be dead.”
“Because of the nature of men?”
“Yeah, the raping.”
“How are you going to die then?”
“You’re going to have to shoot me.”
“I’m not shooting you.”
“Well, you’re going to have to kill me somehow.”
“Why do I have to do it? Can’t you kill yourself?”
“Ugh, see, this is what I was talking about — I have to do everything around here. I clean the floors, I do the laundry, I make your bed — I guess I’ll just have to kill myself as well then, is that it?”
“Fine, I’ll do it!”
“No, no, no — I’ll do it.”
“No, really — I’ll kill you. I promise.”
“Really?”
“Yeah — but then I get to pick.”
“That’s fair.”
“I’d go with gun probably.”
“No having sex with my dead body.”
“What? Why not?”
• • •
To read the rest of this review — and more by Steve Schmolaris — visit his website Bad Gardening Advice.
• • •
Steve Schmolaris is the founder of the Schmolaris Prize, “the most prestigious prize in all of Manitoba,” which he first awarded in 1977. Each year, he awards the prize to the best album of the year. He does not have a profession but, having come from money (his father, “the Millionaire of East Schmelkirk,” left him his fortune when he died in 1977), Steve is a patron of the arts. Inspired by the exquisite detail of a holotype, the collective intelligence of slime mold, the natural world and the suffering inherent within it — and also music (fuck, he loves music!) — Steve has long been writing reviews of Winnipeg artists’ songs and albums at his website Bad Gardening Advice, leading to the publication of a book of the same name.
