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Back Stories | Black Eye Peas X Green Eggs & Ham

Those Black Eyed Peas, oh holy jeez, I do not like those Black Eyed Peas.

This week in Reunions Nobody Really Asked For: The Black Eyed Peas — or at least will.i.am and the other two dudes — have reportedly resurfaced and released their first new music in eight years. Coincidentally, it’s been just over eight years since I reviewed their concert at Winnipeg’s MTS Centre. Also coincidentally, that show happened to take place during the 50th anniversary celebrations for Dr. Seuss‘s children’s classic Green Eggs and Ham. And since peas and ham go together, I wrote the review in the style of Seuss. Hey, it all made sense at the time. Anyway, here it is for your reading pleasure:

Those Black Eyed Peas
Those Black Eyed Peas
I do not like those Black Eyed Peas

Those Black Eyed Peas
Oh, holy jeez
I sure dislike those Black Eyed Peas

I cannot stand their Boom Boom Pow
Their music makes my head go ‘Ow!’
Their lyrics? Brainless as a cow
But I dug their concert anyhow

The hip-pop stars played MTS
How many fans came? Can you guess?
12,000 and more came, they did
Most were women; lots were kids

Outside in the arena hall
It felt just like a shopping mall
On and on the promo went
Smart phones, rum and Fergie’s scent

Shirts and programs sold all right
And many things with flashing lights
Glasses, bracelets, pendants, more
They twinkled all across the floor

The tour is called The E.N.D.
Energy Never Dies — you see?
Who knows what that is all about
It sounds cool, there is no doubt

And speaking of some energy
They used tons, believe you me
To power all their high-tech gear
That stretched from here to there to here

Graphics on the giant screen
Lasers: Blue and red and green
Wind machines and dry-ice fog
You’d think they played some crazy prog

Dancers and a five-piece band
On a giant lighted stand
In short: A show beyond belief
And one fat guy for comic relief

A robot voice, it introduced them
A giant platform rose to boost them
They opened with Let’s Get it Started
(They don’t say the word Retarded)

They were sporting spangly suits
And some wild-looking boots
They were dressed up like rock stars
Who came down from the planet Mars

The bass, the bass was really whumping
Beats and beats were really thumping
Their infectious grooves were pumping
And the whole crowd started jumping

They played all their biggest songs
They didn’t play some for too long
’Cause this was more about the show
Than the music, doncha know

After the first bunch of hits
They went into their solo bits
Since that’s the way their show is done
Let’s talk about them one by one

• • •

That will.i.am
That will.i.am
I do not care for will.i.am

First he did a freestyle rap
He did it fast, so fans all clapped
Then came his robo-DJ set
That was pointless as it gets

He was raised above the crowd
So everyone screamed real loud
He spun Nirvana and Journey
Some girlie spilled her beer on me

• • •

That Fergie Ferg
That Fergie Ferg
I do not mind that Fergie Ferg

Sure, she sings about her humps
Her lovely lovely lady lumps
Her humps her humps her humps her humps
Enough about her stupid bumps

Some say she’s going to leave the band
I completely understand
Their songs don’t really suit her voice
She likely doesn’t have a choice

She has to wear some silly clothes
She waves her arms and strikes a pose
I bet that she could real wail
If she broke out of Black Eyed jail

• • •

Those other two
Those other two
Who cares about those other two?

Is this one really named Tattoo?
Or should it really be Babu?
Should I call the other Snapple?
Or perhaps it could be Frapple?

One of them had silly hair
And one flew way up in the air
He rode a motorbike of lights
That was his bit for the night

• • •

And once they took a ‘final’ bow
They did more songs like Boom Boom Pow
Of course they did I Gotta Feeling
Confetti came down from the ceiling

And that was when I figured out
Just what the Peas are all about
With all that cash spent on that flash
And all that crash and splash and trash

They may know how to talk the talk
But when they try to walk the walk
They don’t have much beyond the shlok
They’re KISS for folks who don’t like rock