It’s said that, to avoid disappointment, one should never meet their heroes – which is why Jane Doe’s Husband hasn’t looked in a mirror for years. His whole life, in fact. When Jane Doe’s Husband’s mother gave birth to him, Jane Doe’s Husband’s mother’s doctor said that the baby would grow up to do many, many great things. How Jane Doe’s Husband’s mother’s doctor knew this would be the case is uncertain, but everyone in the delivery room at the time, including Jane Doe’s Husband’s father, believed it to be words of absolute truth. Few there failed to mention that Jane Doe’s Husband may very well be The Chosen One.
Years passed, and still Jane Doe’s Husband had never seen himself in a mirror; yet that did not quell the heroic feelings that welled within him.
“The only hero in my life is me, myself, and I,” he proudly proclaimed.
“I’ll be the G.O.A.T., even if it’s just in my own eyes,” he continued.
And so, naturally, Jane Doe’s Husband began to spit rhymes.
A wise man once said – and perhaps that wise man was Jane Doe’s Husband – there are only three components to sick raps:
1) Tell the listener who you are. (Ex: “My name’s Mike D and I’m the ladies’ choice.”)
2) Tell the listener what you do. (Ex: “I want to get next to you, like Rose Royce.”)
3) Tell the listener how you’re the best at doing what you do. (“Y’all gather ’round to hear my golden voice, ’cause when it’s time to rhyme you know I get noice.”)
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To read the rest of this review — and more by Steve Schmolaris — visit his website Bad Gardening Advice.
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Steve Schmolaris is the founder of the Schmolaris Prize, “the most prestigious prize in all of Manitoba,” which he first awarded in 1977. Each year, he awards the prize to the best album of the year. He does not have a profession but, having come from money (his father, “the Millionaire of East Schmelkirk,” left him his fortune when he died in 1977), Steve is a patron of the arts. Inspired by the exquisite detail of a holotype, the collective intelligence of slime mold, the natural world and the suffering inherent within it — and also music (fuck, he loves music!) — Steve has long been writing reviews of Winnipeg artists’ songs and albums at his website Bad Gardening Advice, leading to the publication of a book of the same name.
