Area Resident’s Stylus Counsel: The Big Nope List

Track 99 | No, no, a thousand times no!

I hate lots of things. Pretty much every single day I find something new to be miserable about — people with their mouths open, shows with constant and manipulative incidental music, smells, pants, speed cameras, tinted windows, fedoras, bad typefaces and logos, memes, expressions, haircuts, pet owners, people who whistle, slogans, “I was today years old when…”, the price of butter and potholes. That’s just off the top of my head.

As a music guy, the number of songs I hate might just be uncountable. But there are some which require singling out. Some of which are, as my pal Jordon says, “day ruiners.” Some of them cause an immediate reflex — GET THAT OFF! It doesn’t always mean they’re bad songs; it just means I can’t stand them, not for a second. I hate them. Make it stop. As you will see, it’s a matter of personal preference. Here we go, in no particular order:

From New York To LA by Patsy Gallant

It’s the worst disco song of all time. The video is baffling — where the hell is she? Fraggle Rock?

(You’re) Having My Baby by Paul Anka

Perhaps the worst song ever. Certainly the worst by someone from Ottawa.
Just check out these lyrics:

“You’re the woman I love and I love what it’s doin’ to ya
You’re a woman in love and I love what’s goin’ through ya
The need inside you, I see it showin’
Whoa, the seed inside ya, baby, do you feel it growin’?”

Whip My Hair by Willow Smith

I can clearly remember driving my girls to school one morning when this came on. Five seconds in I shouted “Aghhhh!” and punched the volume/power button on the radio. This song molests my anxiety with a wire brush.

In The Ghetto by Elvis Presley

Fuck off, Elvis. This is maudlin rubbish. Mac Davis wrote it. Pandering lip-service shlok.

You’re Beautiful by James Blunt

Nope. He’s funny on social media, but this song is almost unforgivable. His voice is ridiculous. Formulaic turd ballad.

Silver by Moist

The only thing worse than the song is the band’s name. Pretentious music for children. Oversung with BS emotional breathy bits. Stop. STOP. Turns out David Usher is quite a great dude, apparently. Weird. I don’t understand.

If I Had $1,000,000 by Barenaked Ladies

These guys, I swear. I can’t really say I’ve ever heard a song of theirs I enjoy. I did briefly enjoy their debut indie cassette. This song makes me angry, especially the Kraft Dinner part. Kooky. So kooky. Just like the kids on the yearbook committee, they get crayzee sometimes.

Hotel California by Eagles

Not a terrible song, but I hate it. Eagles in general, but especially this one. It’s boring. Makes me tired.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

I used to be in a Buddhist group and this stupid song got sung at the annual general meeting every year, between skits. Earworm from hell.

King Of Spain by Moxy Früvous

These guys! Wacky. Goofin’ around. Making dad jokes in their 20s. Zamboni references. I would wish them harm but their drummer already took care of that.

Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder

A nice idea, but it’s a saccharine Sunday school song.

Baby by Justin Bieber

Does anybody still like this? Repetitive crapola by a puke kid. Video full of rich kids. Never for me, I know, but still. It’s nope.

My Own Way To Rock by Burton Cummings

I actually liked this song when I was a kid, but ever since I heard it at an open-mic night, I just can’t. Buggie buggie buggie… ugh.

The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You by Bryan Adams

There are a lot of Canadians on this list, isn’t there? Bryan wrote and was connected to a mountain of great music, but this is garbage. Infantile, dumb. Upsetting. In the video he looks like he has consumption. Like the ending of Amadeus.

It’s A Small World (After All) by The Sherman Brothers 

Let me out. I think this song has been playing on a loop at Disneyland since 1963, in case you’re wondering where hell is located.

Seasons In The Sun by Terry Jacks

Is there a more depressing song? How the hell was this a hit? A whiny song about death with an annoying earworm chorus but a frustratingly cool guitar tone.

Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) by The Offspring

Grrrr. That voice just cuts. So zany? So annoying. Children’s music.

•         •         •

Area Resident is an Ottawa-based journalist, recording artist, music collector and re-seller. Hear (and buy) his music on Bandcamp, email him HERE, follow him on Instagram and check him out on Discogs.