WHO ARE THEY? The L.A. hard-rock supergroup featuring Shock Rock O.G. and alcohol-turned-Republican golf addict Alice Cooper, Aerosmith guitarist and eternal Steven Tyler frenemy Joe Perry, actor-musician and semi-professional pirate Johnny Depp and a cadre of sideman and enablers from their various bands.
WHAT IS THIS? The unnecessary followup to their star-studded, cover-centric 2015 debut — and a disc that bravely but unwisely turns the tables on that formula, replacing the classic-rock hits with tepid new originals and cutting down on the VIP guests.
WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE? The ragged tail end of an after-hours Sunset Strip jam session that has gone on far too long.
WHAT WOULD BE A BETTER TITLE FOR THIS ALBUM? Biting Hard.
HOW SHOULD I LISTEN TO IT? Late at night, while you sit around wearing leather pants and way too much guyliner, drinking absinthe straight from the bottle and singing along with every chorus — or at least until Mom and Dad come into the basement rec room and make you turn it down.
WHAT 10 WORDS DESCRIBE IT? Campy, rowdy, hedonistic, self-indulgent, swaggering, theatrical, rebellious, sleazy, padded, inconsistent.
WHAT ARE THE BEST SONGS? Once again, the covers — Depp intones recites David Bowie’s Heroes and mumbles Jim Carroll’s People Who Died while Perry croons Johnny Thunders’ You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory — are the biggest crowdpleasers. The original fare, sad to say, is mostly a bunch of half-baked, heavyhanded goth-rockers and glam-slams that appear to have assembled by too many cooks with nobody running the kitchen. Even worse: The disc is padded out with a handful of between-song instrumental vignettes. And the less said about the redneck novelty number Welcome to Bushwackers, the better.
WHAT WILL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SAY? ‘Surely, Alice Cooper and Joe Perry can’t need the money THAT bad.’
HOW OFTEN WILL I LISTEN TO THIS? The covers might make it on to an oddball-covers playlist, but that’s about it.
IF THIS ALBUM WERE A TATTOO, WHAT KIND OF TATTOO WOULD IT BE? A skull-and-bones tramp stamp that you got while drunk, instantly regretted and then spent years trying to get rid of.
SHOULD I BUY, STREAM OR STEAL? I don’t care how bad Alice and Joe might need the cash; this just ain’t worth it.